"Mama, my banana isn't full" and other heartbreaking + empowering moments in parenting.

It started whimsically. After calling Hannah “Hannah Banana” so many times, I started to rhyme Joshua’s name, too. “Joshua Squash-oo-ah” - you know, because it rolls right off the tongue, right?

Not really. But families are goofy at best & we are the goofiest of all.

But a friend of ours couldn’t stand that the middle child was left out of the consumable nickname trend going on, so as he left our home one day he proclaimed “I’ve got it! He’s “Noah Cup-a-Joe-ah!” and it stuck. They were 2, 4 & 6 years old. My goodness were they cute. And tiny! Tiny little edibles.

Hannah Banana
Joshua Squash-oo-ah
Noah Cup-a-Joe-ah

Often they were called by the second half of their names only. Banana, Squash-oo-ah, Cup-a-Joe-ah & that’s just how it was. No one questioned it!

As they struggled to make sense of their emotional ups and downs, we talked. A lot. (still do!) We talked about how that sad feeling they had sometimes was because their cup was empty and it needed to be filled. Joshua and I talked about it the most. He was dealing with his therapy and recovery from the assaults he’d endured and this helped him to name where he was on the emotional scale that day. A good day meant his cup felt full. Days where he felt heavy and sad, angry at what had happened or just a general feeling of frustration, he could tell me his cup was pretty empty and we’d work together to fill it up and make things incrementally better. It was a wonderful & empowering tool for our boys in recovery. I highly recommend it.

Then one day, a tiny Hannah toddled up to me and told me her Banana was empty.
Now, you’ve just read all of this back to back, so of course you get what she meant. All that talk about Cups & Noah had cup in his nickname, so little Hannah had connected the two and then told me her Banana wasn’t full. I didn’t have that privilege & I have to tell you it confused the heck out of me!

But when I did get it, I felt both happy she was able to express her emotions and sad she felt empty. One look into her eyes and I knew it was true - her banana was, indeed, empty. But I knew what to do for my little girl & we filled her right up!

For years, she expressed herself in measures of banana and like other moments of being little, she grasped what she’d done and changed her language. I was sad all over again.

As they grew older, Joshua and I refined the discussion to where they all have multiple cups - one for God, for each parent, for peer relationships, for adult relationships, finally for romantic relationships. The tool has expanded to help us understand one another’s needs and when to fill them. We seek to help those who fill their cups in all the wrong places and/or walk around empty. It’s still empowering.

And there’s never been a better example than the day Hannah told me her banana wasn’t full.
(Just so you know, today she is VERY full in ALL her cups!)