The Transparent Journey of Carol Beth Scott
In a few weeks, I will have completed my first 12 Step Program. I entered for co-dependence, hoping to break the final chains wrapped around my heart, mind, hands and spirit by immersing myself in truth. I am on the final step, having realized my core issues are abandonment and shame.
“My name is Carol Beth Scott, and I am recovering from co-dependence, shame and abandonment” ”
I grew up begging my mother for therapy. She was such a victim of abuse and shame herself, she was actually terrified to let me go. And I heard about it, every time I asked. “You’ll tell them about me.” And she was right. I would have. It would have been my main topic of conversation. How she treated me when no one was looking. I often wonder what would have happened next, had someone known what I was going through. How I would be different now.
Some of my first memories are of disappointing my mother. I knew exactly how I was a disappointment, all the reasons I was a disappointing person, but I never could pinpoint exactly when the demonstration of this disappointment was going to happen. To this day, I couldn’t begin to chart a map showing the exploding mines in our relationship and how to avoid them, and my entire childhood is colored by this effort. I would do anything to avoid the yelling, the sleep deprivation, the threats, the (very infrequent) physical assaults, the torment. Most of all, I wanted to avoid the pain of hearing how worthless I was, though I didn’t know it at the time.
Hypervigilant. Anxious. Fearful. Overly cooperative.
My constant state of being.
Deceptive. Manipulative. Self abusive.
My survival mechanisms.
You would think I’d have gone to therapy the moment I left home, but instead I ended up learning how to give therapeutic counseling, counseling others in my volunteer positions in college and as a lifestyle. I’d already studied enough psychology textbooks and case studies to teach my own class, by the time I took one in the spring of my Freshman year. Not to mention, I lived with parents and a sister who all suffered from their own unique diagnoses that gave me case studies up close and personal. I knew enough to be a help to everyone. Everyone but myself. Why didn’t I help myself? Myself wasn’t worth it.
It’s different when it’s you who’s in pain. My Post Traumatic Stress served me well when I wanted to excel in class, in social situations, in business, even in helping others find the hope in their own healing process. As soon as I learned to harness my heightened senses combined with my overwhelming empathy, I knew I could go far. And as I let the grace of Christ temper my sinful nature, my survival mechanisms were taken captive, one by one. My fruit changed, but my inner spirit was still a child of neglect, abandonment and shame.
By the time I was married at 20, I was no longer deceptive, manipulative or self abusive. But I was in pain. And remained sensitive. I didn’t know how to choose people to be around me who didn’t abuse me and trigger my co-dependence. I was the proverbial doormat under the treads of many boots. The psychological abuse came swift and often, and I took it as gospel, changing myself inside and out at the least provocation, simply to make others happy.
When you collect people who insert themselves into the abuser role opposite your co-dependent role, it can take many years to move past the pain enough to recognize it and release them from your life. My healing up until now can be measured not so much by the people who came into my life, but by the people who left.
I had a pattern. A very troubling pattern. As soon as I stopped performing for others, they would dislike me. And when you combine their immediate dislike with my overwhelming fear of disappointing others like I’d disappointed my mother all my life, you can see why it took me awhile to be strong enough to stop “the act” and be myself. Because I knew that “Myself” wasn’t worth liking. Why would I let her show up?
It wasn’t that I was pretending to BE someone else, actually. What I was doing is never allowing my own needs or wants to be considered or even realized. From the smallest decisions - where shall we eat dinner? To the largest ones - where shall we live for the rest of our lives? I didn’t even ask myself what I wanted. I didn’t even want to know. I only wanted to know how I could “show love” to others by doing what they wanted. In the process I completely lost who I was.
And then something would happen where I wouldn’t give over. I didn’t realize it until after all the losses were gathered into a memory heap, but the moment when I would refuse to be subservient and only exist to reassure others their decisions were best and “of course, I want that also” was when their behavior led to pain for another person. Even themselves! And most often, I spoke up for their children. and mine But of course, not me. Never me.
I wasn’t strong enough to speak up for me - not for the first 40+ years of my life. But as I entered my 30’s, I learned to be strong enough to speak up for others. And when I did, it revealed the true hearts of the people I called “friends” and “family” and that they didn’t love me. They loved the me that stroked them. Not actual me.
Discover abuse or neglect -> Speak Up -> Rejection by the abuser/neglector
It seems so obvious now. But I couldn’t see it. My deepest regret is it took the entire childhood of my children for me to learn how to surround them with healthy people. My greatest joy is seeing them make better decisions than I did. Thankfully, they learned from my journey.
My in-laws were the first deeply embedded relationship I lost by speaking up for my husband and empowering him to speak up for himself and our children. A few years later I discovered my uncle had assaulted his daughter. I spoke up for her. My family chose to rally around the pedophile (so sadly typical) and not me, though recently I was blessed to see a few of them and actually hug them and share a meal. It still seems like a miracle.
At the age of 30, I did speak up to my mother, and not for others. For myself, when I realized I was modeling abuse to my new baby daughter. And to my mother’s everlasting credit, she changed her behavior. I know it was for the sake of her grandchildren, but it was enough. I was with her up until the moment she died.
But it’s the friends I chose where I learned my greatest lessons. Not only did I give over, tolerate judgment, listen as they gossiped, abused and maligned others in my presence without correctly assigning their behavior as indicative of their character, I also ingested their judgment of me as truth. Until the day they turned their ugliness into abuse of their family, by neglect or design. Until the moment when they attacked their children or my children or even themselves, and I couldn’t stand by without saying something. And so I did.
Again, I didn’t see the pattern. But what happened when I finally opened my mouth is I spoke up FOR someone else and that’s what made people turn against me. I still struggle to understand HOW this is possible, but it’s true. And thankfully, I’m finally healthy enough to understand the validity of this pattern.
It’s been two years since the last toxic people exited our lives and it’s been a year of healing and challenges - for all of us, am I right? And in the midst of the challenges of Covid, early in 2020, I entered Regeneration at church and learned to participate, to deal, to step up and stand up.
Except that’s not at ALL what Regeneration is about. It’s about Trust. And Faith. And giving over and allowing God to care for you, not others and especially not yourself. It’s simply not possible for me to do all that needs to be done to make my journey about Glorifying God instead of myself; about following the two greatest commandments. Do you know what they are?
The Greatest Two Commandments
I wasn’t loving my neighbor by giving over to them and allowing them to use me for their own gratification. That is definitely co-dependence and that was what I was trained up to do. And that’s the direction I went.
But the truth is, it’s not loving. It’s selfish. It’s not a real relationship. And I love authenticity. I crave authenticity. And I’m finally walking in the steps of my own authentic self. And you may not like me. And I have to be okay with that. I’m starting to be okay with that.
There is so much good news in this, but what I want to share right now is that this chapter of my journey ends with me being able to love people better. I entered afraid I would be told I had to stop DOing for others, because I was doing it out of co-dependence and not love. But instead, I learned I could DO for others with my whole heart and it’s so incredibly freeing. I LOVE to show LOVE. And now I can do it better.
If you’re a victim of shame, pride, self protection, co-dependence, your own sin, others’ sin, basically - are you alive? Then you can be blessed by participating in the 12 Step journey of Regeneration, too. If you choose to take that first brave step, let me know. I want to pray for you. Really!
