Day #9 - Stress Recovery - The Day I Looked Forward Again
I had horrific pregnancies, but man-oh-man, did I LOVE the days I birthed my babies. If I could go back and relive them - even the hard parts - I absolutely would.
And I found myself when I had children. I knew what I’d been preparing for my whole life and that this, raising children, was what I was made for. I loved everything about it. Again, even the hard parts.
I grew up planning how I would raise my children. I thought everyone did! But apparently, not. I thought about it a lot. And I knew after Noah was born, when I had a 1 year old and a newborn, that it should be the happiest time in my life.
But it wasn’t. I figured out, after years of therapy and understanding how serotonin works (mine dives low way too easily and struggles to rise back up.) and I knew I needed to find a way to be happy again, when I had every reason to be happy.
So, what does this have to do with me, now?
This is the first time in my life, since my babies were small and before the attacks, where I have everything I want. Again.
I think I’m scared to enjoy it. I live in fear it will go away. And partly, I know that some of it will, but really? I know the important things will last.
I have my Heavenly Father who loves me so & I fall more in love with every day.
I have a husband who adores me.
I have children who rise up and call me blessed.
I have a church which challenges me.
I have a house with an open door, constantly full of young adults who feel safe & let me share their lives.
I have friends, a community group & a company full of people to love.
Nothing that has happened to me recently has taken any of that away.
It’s time to enjoy it.
My days are busy & even with “not working” for these 2 weeks, I’m amazingly busy working at things. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher 3 times today. I made a lot of food, cleaned up a lot of food, cleaned a lot of rooms, pondered how I ever manage to do this & also get a full workday in, then I cleaned some more.
But what I’m working on NOT doing is living in fear. The truth is, even if the other shoe drops, God will carry me through the pain and to the other side. He’s done it before. He’ll do it again. And I’m so grateful. For what I have now, and for what I can count on. It’s so much bigger and better than what I deserve.
