Day #6 - Stress Recovery - The Day I Sank Into Despair
I know it’s just one day, and it’s supposed to be a day where I can do anything I want to do, but keeping it real? I just want to wallow in my sadness until my man is back home.
David went to the station today.
It sucked.
You know, most of the time I am really happy just because my people are happy, but sometimes. Rarely, but sometimes, it just seems to shine a light on my own sadness when David is gone.
It usually happens on Sundays, when it seems everyone else around me has their whole family with them, except me, but David has to go to the stupid fire station and I hate it.
He’s been fighting fire for 25 years. You’d think I’d get past this.
NOPE!
Around here, Friday night is date night. Hannah and Devan. Joshua and Molly. Noah and David & I typically do something together or Noah and I or maybe I could just curl up and read? But nothing really felt satisfying.
I felt hollow all day. Sad. LONELY.
I know it’s just one day, and it’s supposed to be a day where I can do anything I want to do, but keeping it real? I just want to wallow in my sadness until my man is back home.
Until tomorrow……
The Year Hannah Became Formidable, Fearless & Fierce
At 4, she refused to dress as another princess.
No.
She would be “Princess Hannah” and that was that.
Always a vision for her own future, never one that looked like anyone else’s. That’s a tough order to make for yourself. And she had extreme shyness, loss and more to overcome.
But she did. She has. And 2019 has been an incredible journey of self-realization, loss, overcoming & victory for my little girl who’s not so little anymore.
Before 2019 began, Hannah was still in a cycle of insecurity and newness - new job, new to being the only Scott kid in homeschool, new to discovering her first crush & a new church. And then she got the part of Millie in Hello Dolly, just when she needed it. Of course, she killed it!
As the musical closed and Hannah’s closest friends in the cast began to post photos on Instagram of gatherings she wasn’t invited to, I looked to Hannah for how this would make her feel. Not one ounce of resentment or sadness poured out of her. She knew she could make musicals and her theater friends the center of her day-to-day life and they would embrace her with open arms - they’re lovely that way. But she also knew she sometimes had a hard time relating to their lives, with new cars in the driveway with a giant bow on the top, trips to New York for musicals and piles of amazon boxes on the porch. If she wanted a car, she’d have to work for it. Amazon boxes, too. She’s never been to New York (yet!) Her friends with more financial resources never - not once! - made her feel less than. But she had discovered people at her job could understand her better, simply because their lives were different. She’s so much wiser than I am & because her love for all of her friends never wavers, her life is better than mine ever could have been as a teenager.
CFA
Where Hannah found her people!
She’s not superhuman though, & the loss of her cast friends interacting on a daily basis while she wasn’t fully comfortable at her relatively new job was still a stretch for her. Just in time, God stepped in. As He so often does! Hannah was scouted by a talent agent and that’s why we have photos like the one below.
But, wait! There’s more. This next story gets me in all the feeling places - anxiety & fear, tears of loss, sadness as she questions her worth & finally, relief.
You see, My brave girl went month after month wishing the boy she liked more every day would notice her.
He didn’t.
Not once.
So she plucked up her courage and flat-out told him she liked him.
”You’re adorable… I like you…. Now you know… Ball’s in your court….” (I’m paraphrasing)
Can you even imagine? And you know what happened next?
FLAT
OUT
REJECTION.
NO THANK YOU, MA’AM. I AM NOT LOOKING TO DATE ANYONE AT WORK.
”Mom. I know you’ve told me I’m pretty my whole life, but you’re my mom. You’re supposed to think that. And I’ve never been asked out by a boy. Not once. Are you sure it’s not that I’m…….”
”Oh, baby. I’m sure. “
The next shift, she worked alongside him. I dropped her off, remembering the tears of the night before, knowing there was nothing I could do to take the pain of rejection away. She stepped out of my car and walked in. She & I both learned that day - Hannah really does NOT run from that which is hard. She faces up to it.
She was so much more relaxed around him, now her truth was out in the open, that when she was forced to receive training from him (by an unknowing 3rd party) she sucked it up & began to make jokes.
He laughed.
Really, did he even stand a chance?
It didn’t take him long to figure out he was turning down an amazing opportunity, and now - of course, he’s smitten.
He was slow, but he came around.
Yep. They’re adorable. We adore him. He’s every bit as sweet as she is. I already wrote about what a gift he is & many months later, it’s even more true.
While this relationship was developing & Hannah was discovering that being a very girly, very blonde person means there’s not a lot of audition opportunities, many other things were happening in her life.
Our sweet Alyx got married!
and Hannah danced all night long.
HAMILTON!
This was a VERY BIG DEAL.
Travel is always a huge part of our lives - the three photos at the top were just Hannah & me, exploring Canada & California. The bottom three are during our spring trip to Walt Disney World. She may look the same, but Hannah’s heart was very different by the end of trip #2.
Loss
2019 was a year of loss for not just Hannah, but all of us. And during our trip to Florida, she was coming to terms with her first one of the year as she lost the affection of who she thought was her dearest friend. During the second trip, her sweet boyfriend’s close friend was tragically killed. They skyped via internet from the ship, while we were at sea. My heart broke, just listening to them talk. Losses continued through the rest of the year, but none compared to the one we had no idea was coming.
Sweet Channing
We had to say goodbye too quickly, too early & the pain is fresh. We lost our Channing between Thanksgiving and Christmas and it will never feel okay. Not ever.
Hannah loved to make Channing laugh. Channing loved to make Hannah laugh. That’s what they were doing in these photos - in all the photos I have of them together. Hannah especially loved to give Channing spontaneous hugs, that she pretended to hate. They were each other’s oldest friends.
In the months leading up to this grievous loss, we were able to spend whole weekends together. Hannah laughed with Channing, as always. And for the first time, she helped her with her medicine and troubles with the bathroom & showers. I saw Hannah jump to be Channing’s personal caregiver without hesitation, question, pity or repulsion. I thought it would happen for the rest of their lives. I still can’t imagine it ended so quickly.
The loss is fresh, but I look forward to sharing the journey someday.
My girl also became a more deeply rooted Christian, stronger in her faith, more attached to her family & increasingly driven toward Christ-driven adulthood this year. She prays more, studies more, lives her faith OUT LOUD.
For the first time, she took a trip without me. It’s a gift to never doubt your child’s personal convictions, because they are 100% her own. Just like she would never be another princess but Hannah. She’s not another version of me. She’s Hannah. All Hannah. All the time.
And even though we ended our year with penetrating loss, Hannah did finally make it to an audition she could get. She’s in rehearsals for her second romantic lead, to perform this February.
To know Hannah is to realize she is fiercely loving, kind, thoughtful & generous. She has a tremendous sense of justice, a desire to please God, then her family, then to care for others. We surround her with protection for her physical self, yes. Even more so, we surround her by pouring love in so she can continue to bless others with a whole and giving heart. The world is a better place with Hannah in it. I am a better person for having her in my life.
Love
God has answered this other deeply rooted prayer of my mother’s heart with Hannah’s first romantic relationship. He has blown me away with his goodness and Love for my child.
Before Hannah was born, I prayed very specifically for blessings to shower upon her. I chose to pray for the things I longed for myself when I was growing up or looking back at regrets - older brothers, a healthy sense of herself, a driving passion for the Lord, a desire for relationship but without ever compromising herself.
God said yes.
And it humbles me constantly. I prayed a hundred smaller prayers over her, and they were answered too. God so abundantly blessed and exceeded my prayers for her, I struggle to write them down. It feels prideful, even though I know they are from HIM. Just the presence of her beauty, inside and out - it humbles me. She is a delicate gift of steadfast Love. I couldn’t imagine anyone who would deserve her, but I prayed for him to come into her life.
And now, God has answered this other deeply rooted prayer of my mother’s heart with Hannah’s first romantic relationship. He has blown me away with his goodness and Love for my child. I don’t know how this will play out - they’re young & there are unique hurdles to their future - but I do know how blessed we are right now, for knowing this young man (who shall remain nameless and faceless for the sake of his privacy). I do want to write about him, though. I don’t want to forget this precious moment in Hannah’s life.
You see, the longer he is part of Hannah’s days & weeks, the more I realize he is a blessing because he epitomizes Corinthians 13. He is an answer to our prayers, because he walks in LOVE.
Hannah chose him. She developed feelings for him over many months and confided in me the silent torture of being in his presence without him noticing her. She isn’t a girl who will flirt or tease. She’s straightforward. And without a hint of what would happen (though I suspected any boy would be crazy not to at least get to know her) she told him. SHE TOLD HIM. I still marvel at her bravery. And, to his credit, he didn’t jump at the chance. He was cautious. He was careful. You know, for a hot minute - then he started to see how amazing she is.
And now they’re smitten. It’s young love, with all the passion and persistent desires to be with each other, the glow of happiness when they’re together and sadness when they’re apart. All that is to be expected.
What’s surprising is the pervading and consistent sweetness to their relationship. I didn’t know young love could be this way. Like so many other areas of my life, I only knew how to get it wrong & I simply pray for my loves to get it right.
My heart swells in their presence. The way he touches her with respect and sweetness, cradling her like the greatest treasure he’s ever known, is precious to be near. He’s more respectful of her boundaries than I knew possible and he actually guards her purity openly. He encourages her, delights in her, seeks her joy and is protective of her heart. I couldn’t ask for a better companion for my precious daughter, except I did. And again, God said yes. I couldn’t be more grateful.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. ........
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
Packed Bags
The first time I remember a bag being packed and unpacked, it was my new foster sister arriving to stay with us and eventually be adopted. At 13, I thought I knew what it would be like to discover her past & her personality, but nothing could have prepared me for the plastic bags she brought with a few pieces of stained clothing. And that was all. Nothing else, that I can remember.
While I’d never before considered myself a privileged child, wealthy or exceptional in any way, that all changed in an instant. It was if someone picked me up off the earth & planted me back down, but with a new identity: entitled, spoiled, suburban, white brat. Instantly, I feared I was that person and always would be, and set out to instead be kind, loving and just the best sister and person ever.
I was 13.
I failed. Miserably.
But I was deeply impacted. And eventually it was a catalyst in making me a better person.
And now, I own a thriving travel company, which allows me to pack bags & travel frequently with and without my family members. I pack big and often new, suitcases. I evaluate which one is best for a particular trip. I visit beautiful places and sleep in gorgeous spaces. But I will always and forever remember my sister’s bag. I will refuse to be an entitled, spoiled, suburban, white brat.
I suppose it would be easier to walk through life and turn away from what I’ve known and battled, suffered and witnessed, but that’s not who I am. It never will be. Instead, I’m the downer in the room who looks at something beautiful and remembers the tragedy in my past; Not even my past - a past I witnessed. It’s who I am.
Since my first experience brushing up against my sister’s painful childhood, I’ve gone on to love and adore many adopted persons. I have relationships with grown and adopted survivors, along with children of all ages and stages. I’ve taken many kids in, some for months and one for years. In fact, so many stories have dominated my walk through this life, it makes me wonder what I’m supposed to be learning now so I can be of use, later.
Because I didn’t know at 13 what I was learning and why. I didn’t realize what it meant when I was plucked off the earth and returned forever changed, but I know now. When people speak about white privilege and entitlement, I know exactly why they’re concerned. I again feel the earth tremble beneath my feet as I’m jettisoned off the ground. I want to stand up to them and say “ME! They’re talking about ME!” and I’m washed anew with incredible gratefulness I wasn’t allowed to remain in my state of ugliness; my suburban bubble.